Forget the proverbial seven-year-itch. Newlyweds should prepare for the two-year-hitch as a growing number of couples are hitting deadlock soon after wedlock. As with most modern conveniences, marriage now comes in small sizes.
Businessman Sunil Purohit and his girlfriend of six years, Nidhi Sunder (names changed), from Mumbai did everything by the book. They pulled through a long courtship, got each other's families to approve and eventually set the date. In a year, they filed for divorce citing 'irreconcilable differences' and came out of their first marriage as one would a triathlon — sweaty but grateful for having exited the ordeal.
Although statistics that divvy up divorce data by lifespan of marriage aren't available, empirical evidence, both in households and counseling clinics, supports the assumption that marriages have a shorter shelf-life these days. Mumbai-based advocate Mrunalini Deshmukh, who has handled several celebrity divorce cases among others, confirms from her caseloads that marriages today are falling apart very early. "More than 10 percent of cases I handle are ones where the couple is separating within one or two years of marriage," she says. "In fact my chamber has cases where couples/clients have approached me seeking legal advice to terminate their marriage which is probably less than a month old for various reasons. Most don't understand the responsibilities that come along with marriage and they either lack maturity in handling a marital relationship or they lack guidance."
Deshmukh says couples who may have dated for a year or two, and then strangely claim incompatibility or temperamental differences after swapping rings, are a relatively recent development. "As a lawyer this surprises me - their 'incompatibility' post their marriage and perfect compatibility prior to it," she confides.
Dr Vijay Nagaswami, psychiatrist and author of do-it-right titles like 'The 24X7 Marriage', believes the institution is going through a well-deserved shake up. "Where the previous generation viewed marriage as a sacrament, the younger generation of urban Indians tends to view marriage more as a relationship between consenting adults," he says, of the opinion that in the years to come, marriage will be redefined to suit the needs of future generations.
Geeta Balsekar, who watched her brother-in-law jump in and out of marriage, observes that most young couples won't give marriage a chance because they've already made up their minds that it won't work, and they don't want to waste time force-fitting one's square into the other's circle. Compromise in the modern urban dictionary is a dirty word. "They don't want to live through a hard-fought reconciliation, believing they can cut their losses early and do better next time, except that they don't realize the problem for the marriage not working lies partly with them, and it may well travel into their subsequent relationships," says Balsekar, a communications specialist who has been married six years and believes this prohibition-free attitude to divorce is the 'gift' of our permissible times.
While traditionalists lament the dilapidation of social structures and presage a bleak future rife with intolerance and opportunism, Manoj Bhavnani, an advertising professional from WHERE who marriage lasted five years, sees it differently. "People have a tendency to be idealistic about the past - we'd like to think politicians were once honest and marriages were good," says Bhavnani, who views marriage as a social contract to have children, one that holds little water in an age of single parenting and adoption. "Marriage as a concept is fast approaching its sell-by date. Even the government now recognizes the legal validity of the live-in relationship," he argues, rattling off names of five people he knows who are/have dissolved their marriages within a span of a couple of years.
Sudha Ramalingam, an advocate and social activist in Chennai, says that of those who have approached her to litigate within weeks of marriage, some have families backing them all the way. "Earlier parents would tell their children, don't come weeping if things don't work out. They're now saying if you can't adjust come back. Our social set-up is more accepting," says the lawyer, adding this isn't just a big city phenomenon. "I've also seen marriages break up within a couple of years in smaller cities like Salem, Pondicherry and Madurai," she states.
Many of these marriages are too short for the couple to have children and that saves them a whole deal of custodial wrangling when they want out. Interestingly, while both parties may have resisted reconciliation in marriage, they embrace it in divorce, to make it quick and painless. According to statistics from Bandra Family Court in Mumbai, the number of divorce cases based on mutual consent disposed between April 2011 and March 2012 was 1993, about 101 more than those contested for the same period. Of course, here again, they don't indicate the time-frame of these unions.
Varkha Chulani, Mumbai-based clinical psychiatrist and psychotherapist places part of the blame for quick splits on our need for instant gratification. "Narcissism is at an all time high," she maintains, "It's about me, myself and my own baggage and you with yours; not collaboratively ours." She says individuals have their own lifestyles, goals and value systems that are increasingly more custom-built and intractable. Couples are ready to part ways for reasons that may have once been considered frivolous, like the husband's objection to the wife's transfer, or a difference in lifestyle goals, or for reasons that are newly emerging into the open, like sexual incompatibility or deviance, a complaint several of Chulani's clients bring up.
There's another factor weighing in on shrink-wrapped marriage: the growing economic and concomitant social independence of women that permits many to walk out. Mriganka Pandey, a 30-year-old filmmaker in Delhi pulled out of wedlock almost immediately after marrying her colleague when she discovered what she calls "a shocking mismatch of expectations". "After marriage, he wanted me to be a traditional wife with 'duties', but I cannot conform to any preset ideals," says Pandey who walked out of her marital home after a few months, and after a year filed for divorce with mutual consent. The filmmaker is now of the conclusion that while a section of Indians have embraced Western culture, with its sexual sanction, when it comes to marriage people still cleave to conservative beliefs and ideals. "We live in a schizophrenic society and marriage is the watershed that exposes the double standards in relationships," Pandey says emphatically.
For a generation ready to run as soon as they fall upon this truth, the exit is staged right.
Original NEWS Source:- http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/india/Scratch-7-marriage-is-now-a-2-year-itch/articleshow/27744358.cms
Businessman Sunil Purohit and his girlfriend of six years, Nidhi Sunder (names changed), from Mumbai did everything by the book. They pulled through a long courtship, got each other's families to approve and eventually set the date. In a year, they filed for divorce citing 'irreconcilable differences' and came out of their first marriage as one would a triathlon — sweaty but grateful for having exited the ordeal.
Although statistics that divvy up divorce data by lifespan of marriage aren't available, empirical evidence, both in households and counseling clinics, supports the assumption that marriages have a shorter shelf-life these days. Mumbai-based advocate Mrunalini Deshmukh, who has handled several celebrity divorce cases among others, confirms from her caseloads that marriages today are falling apart very early. "More than 10 percent of cases I handle are ones where the couple is separating within one or two years of marriage," she says. "In fact my chamber has cases where couples/clients have approached me seeking legal advice to terminate their marriage which is probably less than a month old for various reasons. Most don't understand the responsibilities that come along with marriage and they either lack maturity in handling a marital relationship or they lack guidance."
Deshmukh says couples who may have dated for a year or two, and then strangely claim incompatibility or temperamental differences after swapping rings, are a relatively recent development. "As a lawyer this surprises me - their 'incompatibility' post their marriage and perfect compatibility prior to it," she confides.
Dr Vijay Nagaswami, psychiatrist and author of do-it-right titles like 'The 24X7 Marriage', believes the institution is going through a well-deserved shake up. "Where the previous generation viewed marriage as a sacrament, the younger generation of urban Indians tends to view marriage more as a relationship between consenting adults," he says, of the opinion that in the years to come, marriage will be redefined to suit the needs of future generations.
Geeta Balsekar, who watched her brother-in-law jump in and out of marriage, observes that most young couples won't give marriage a chance because they've already made up their minds that it won't work, and they don't want to waste time force-fitting one's square into the other's circle. Compromise in the modern urban dictionary is a dirty word. "They don't want to live through a hard-fought reconciliation, believing they can cut their losses early and do better next time, except that they don't realize the problem for the marriage not working lies partly with them, and it may well travel into their subsequent relationships," says Balsekar, a communications specialist who has been married six years and believes this prohibition-free attitude to divorce is the 'gift' of our permissible times.
While traditionalists lament the dilapidation of social structures and presage a bleak future rife with intolerance and opportunism, Manoj Bhavnani, an advertising professional from WHERE who marriage lasted five years, sees it differently. "People have a tendency to be idealistic about the past - we'd like to think politicians were once honest and marriages were good," says Bhavnani, who views marriage as a social contract to have children, one that holds little water in an age of single parenting and adoption. "Marriage as a concept is fast approaching its sell-by date. Even the government now recognizes the legal validity of the live-in relationship," he argues, rattling off names of five people he knows who are/have dissolved their marriages within a span of a couple of years.
Sudha Ramalingam, an advocate and social activist in Chennai, says that of those who have approached her to litigate within weeks of marriage, some have families backing them all the way. "Earlier parents would tell their children, don't come weeping if things don't work out. They're now saying if you can't adjust come back. Our social set-up is more accepting," says the lawyer, adding this isn't just a big city phenomenon. "I've also seen marriages break up within a couple of years in smaller cities like Salem, Pondicherry and Madurai," she states.
Many of these marriages are too short for the couple to have children and that saves them a whole deal of custodial wrangling when they want out. Interestingly, while both parties may have resisted reconciliation in marriage, they embrace it in divorce, to make it quick and painless. According to statistics from Bandra Family Court in Mumbai, the number of divorce cases based on mutual consent disposed between April 2011 and March 2012 was 1993, about 101 more than those contested for the same period. Of course, here again, they don't indicate the time-frame of these unions.
Varkha Chulani, Mumbai-based clinical psychiatrist and psychotherapist places part of the blame for quick splits on our need for instant gratification. "Narcissism is at an all time high," she maintains, "It's about me, myself and my own baggage and you with yours; not collaboratively ours." She says individuals have their own lifestyles, goals and value systems that are increasingly more custom-built and intractable. Couples are ready to part ways for reasons that may have once been considered frivolous, like the husband's objection to the wife's transfer, or a difference in lifestyle goals, or for reasons that are newly emerging into the open, like sexual incompatibility or deviance, a complaint several of Chulani's clients bring up.
There's another factor weighing in on shrink-wrapped marriage: the growing economic and concomitant social independence of women that permits many to walk out. Mriganka Pandey, a 30-year-old filmmaker in Delhi pulled out of wedlock almost immediately after marrying her colleague when she discovered what she calls "a shocking mismatch of expectations". "After marriage, he wanted me to be a traditional wife with 'duties', but I cannot conform to any preset ideals," says Pandey who walked out of her marital home after a few months, and after a year filed for divorce with mutual consent. The filmmaker is now of the conclusion that while a section of Indians have embraced Western culture, with its sexual sanction, when it comes to marriage people still cleave to conservative beliefs and ideals. "We live in a schizophrenic society and marriage is the watershed that exposes the double standards in relationships," Pandey says emphatically.
For a generation ready to run as soon as they fall upon this truth, the exit is staged right.
Original NEWS Source:- http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/india/Scratch-7-marriage-is-now-a-2-year-itch/articleshow/27744358.cms
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