Famously, the film director Tim Burton lives next door to the actress who has starred in many of his films, Helena Bonham Carter. The two live in adjacent properties in London.
What’s striking about this arrangement is that the pair are married. They’ve chosen to be together, but live apart.
And according to the latest research, it’s an arrangement that more and more couples are choosing to adopt. The romantic ideal may still be two starry-eyed lovers sharing a cosy love nest, but the reality is increasingly different, with men and women in serious relationships choosing to live apart.
It all begs an interesting question: should we cohabit at all?
Is living apart the new moving in?
What’s clear is that being in a serious, monogamous relationship and living apart is the fashionable thing to do. Research suggests that the number of couples who are together but living apart has increased by 40 percent in the last decade.
Some do it simply because of circumstances, if jobs or study take each partner to a different part of the country, for example. But many do it because they want to, and because they think it gives their relationship the best chance of success.
Why do couples live apart?
The question is, why? What benefits do these couples think they get from being together - but often apart?
“Living apart is a way of keeping the relationship fresh, avoiding the common trap of couples to take each other for granted, as well as, more importantly, providing the freedom for each couple to make choices about how they spend their time,” says psychologist and novelist Voula Grand, author of Honor’s Shadow (Karnac).
In particular, says Grand, couples in which each partner has their own living space avoid one of the chief causes of domestic disharmony. According to research, two-thirds of couples argue over chores at least once a week.
“In the early stages of a relationship, the desire to be together at all times is typical, so living together becomes the aim,” she adds.
“However, the practicalities of living together can be demanding, especially if the two people are very different in their habits and preferences. Too much domestic bickering can be undermining, and a couple can begin to lose sight of what they love and value in each other.”
According to novelist Deborah Moggach, who herself lives apart from her partner, cohabiting couples too easily slip into unromantic habits.
“When you don’t live together you always kiss when you’re reunited and you have lots of stored up news...You dress up for each other rather than slobbing around in a tracksuit.”
Is living apart healthy for couples?
So living apart may have its advantages for couples, but is it healthy? After all, as Voula Grand admits, in the early part of a relationship most couples want to see each other as much as possible, making moving in together a natural ambition.
If you don’t have that ambition, are you unromantic? Does it suggest there’s something wrong with the relationship? If you can’t live together, should you be together at all?
Voula Grand thinks living apart can be healthy, if it’s right for you and you don’t let the relationship drift as a result. “It's perfectly possible to have a healthy relationship and live apart - provided the couple spend most of their time together,” she says.
In other words, living apart should not be shorthand for living semi-detached lives. Unless that really is what both partners want (and it seldom is), that might signal a relationship on the ropes.
Grand believes that if you do choose to live apart, you need to set some ground rules. Time together should be sacrosanct and set in stone, to head off resentment and suspicion. And you need to be careful with your time apart, too, she adds. If you spend most of your independent time clubbing with the boys, your partner's unlikely to see it as your innocent need for time alone.
Living together is still best for many
Of course, the majority of couples in serious relationships still think cohabiting is best for them and best for their relationship. Indeed, Grand says the one time living apart rarely works - or at least not in the long term - is when one party or the other doesn’t choose it.
“When couples live apart because they have no choice - for job reasons, for example - problems can arise, as the desire to live together remains strong, and couples miss each other too much.”
It’s also true that couples live together for reasons other than the lust and yearning that typifies the early stages of most relationships. Sometimes it’s because children are involved. Often it’s because running one household of two people is far cheaper than running two households of one.
Financial considerations alone may not be a good reason to move in together, but cheaper rent and bills are certainly one advantage of cohabitation. Given that financial worries often drive couples apart, it’s not a benefit to be sniffed at.
So should you cohabit with your girlfriend? Every couple is different, but what seems clear is that when both partners are happy being 'together apart', it can work. If either of you is secretly yearning for a shared bed and shared bills, living apart can only be a temporary stage of your relationship.
Original Link of Post:- http://lifestyle.in.msn.com/relationships/is-cohabiting-a-bad-idea-1
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